Panic broke out this morning at Redwood Elementary School when a local jazz guitarist’s son smuggled in through the opened doors of the grammar school a “red” sequestered Tupperware-covered container of evenly-cut Betty Crocker’s “More Fudge Than Fun Brownies,” for Pebbles Shapiro-Naguchi’s birthday party. There’ll be no birthday celebration in Room 102 this afternoon because of the quick judgment of a teacher who thinks profiling is more than tracing a child’s silhouette.
This fast-acting teacher intercepted the suspicious treats once the child was caught off-guard opening his desk. Fearing the inevitable—that the child was part of a drug ring intended to imprison our innocent youth from their eight to nine hours of day of playing ‘World Demands To Die Warfare,’ videogames, the untested, sugar-laced, possible store-bought opiates were removed.
Sadly for a few members of the soccer squad, a percussionist in the after-school band, and Mr. Frye, the third-year intern in the Art Department, the brownies came straight from the box without any added herbs, cannabis or buds, and they went home sober. The labs test sadly came up negative. There were no drugs in the Betty’s.
When Mrs. Jonell Christensen, the teacher who first suspected the brownies might be infused with cannabis was asked, “What was the first clue you had that something might not be right with the plastic-covered glass pan that young Dylan was carrying to school?”
“From the window in the second-floor library, you can ascertain most of the going-ons that take place in this school. Fifteen minutes before the homeroom bell, I spy a long-haired student being dropped off by his long-haired father in a Prius in front of the school with public radio playing and Greenpeace sticker on the bumper. It was just a matter of putting one plus one together and coming up with three, simple,” said the political science teacher.
When the tenured teacher was asked later, how did she justify the expense of paying $550 to test the low-fat, nuttily-scrumptious, sweet sugar brown brownies at Kock Bros. Labs for possible cannabis or other psychotropic ingredients that she suspected was involved, with very little actual information to go on?
Mrs. Christensen responded, “It is always better to be safe than sorry. Besides worst-case scenario, we cut the science department. I’m sorry; I have to go now…class starts in seven minutes. Today’s lesson in history is ‘Due Process,’ and who is it really there for?”
Dick Cheney Vapes!
Former Vice President Richard Bruce (but rightly prefers to be called Dick!) Cheney is now being forced to vaporize cannabis for a post-respiratory condition caused by the recent replacement of the Ex-Number Two’s mechanical heart named the ‘Vader 214.’
Previously, the Dark Night’s scientific pumper has been kept alive and fueled by a secretion attained from the pituitary glands of baby pandas until a new ticker could be found. When it was announced that a heart had become obtainable, the Mr. Potter look-alike was fitted with a fresh, lawfully procured, totally legal, working organ of a 24-year-old that became available last Saturday night around 2 a.m. when the Georgetown clubs let out.
Apparently there is some kind of residue in place from the previous owner and the only known treatment is to blow it out with a natural expectorant. Studies have shown that vaporizing cannabis actually breaks up stubborn blockages and allows the patient maybe for the first moment in their sour lives to feel a moment of tranquility that they may have never experienced before.
The Man who almost solely brought down 100 years of economic stability in America, can now be found resting in an undisclosed, sublevel bunker eating fried unicorn livers while watching reruns of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
NORML Tries Case!
In an unprecedented move last week, the venerable law corral answered the phone. Attorney Lance J’Acuse describes the achievement this way.
“First the phone rang; we all looked at each other. ‘Maybe,’ someone in hushed tones said, ‘This could be it?’ Sure enough, it was a person who had been arrested for possession of cannabis.
“We immediately mobilized into action. We first asked around the room, ‘Who still has a current license to practice?’ Then we Googled maps and streets, identifying where the battles were going to be held. A clerk, fresh from law school, was familiar with a building downtown. He spoke of groups meeting, where bored, long-ago-exhausted judges preside over this thing called ‘courts,’ where individuals can have an opportunity to speak for themselves or else have an educated, legal mind, represent you and your case if you’d like,” the smiling pony-tail barrister grinned.
“Then it was just a matter of brushing up on the new, current laws. What we found out is that the cannabis laws are not very consistent and vary from county to county. We may have our work cut out for us. Or then again, we just might refer it to a guy we know,” Mr. J’Acuse said as he made plane reservations to Portugal for Canna-Siesta Festival 2012.
Las Vegas Opens ‘Mars Hotel’!
Mars Hotel is opening next week in Sin City and is touted as the “First Hotel that promotes Cannabis.”
Hotel Manager, Ira Alder states, “This is an idea whose time has come. Vegas, party, munchies, booze? C’monnnn…?”
We asked the young hotel magnate, “Is it working?”
“Is it working?? We did on a Tuesday night in Food and Beverage what the Pope does in wine over Easter weekend.
“I dunno, I’m no Einstein or Wynn, but if there’s a substance out there that makes people want to drink, eat and play cards badly, I need a few more hotels.
“Y’know wha I mean?”
Driving Stoned Actually Safer!
The Federal Department of Moving Cars and Trucks released a statement today that in a reversal of known policy, “Drivers under the influence of cannabis have been tested and proven to be better and more careful drivers than those not on cannabis.”
The highly investigated study, called, “Can This Fucking Be True?” was released in a two-week international summit being held in a casino in Berlin entitled, “How Can WE Get Out of This Mess?
The 14-month research showed that when non-cannabis users partake in intoxicants, there a tendency to drive fast and recklessly, sometime crashing their vehicles into other cars, pedestrians and mailboxes. On the other hand, cannabis users when imbibing, have propensity to fall asleep in the front seat until morning. Also, the so-called stoned drivers barely exceed speeds of 46 to 47 mph, whether in a 30 or a 60 zone.
Our hats are off to our Nation’s Baked Drivers!
‘The War On Drugs’: A Cop’s Tale!
Retired Officer Clarence Downing of the Metro Police Department gave an informal retirement speech at O’Malley’s on Wabasha last night during Sanford’s spanking of Minnesota in the Gardens.
Speaking in front of nine overturned shot glasses, leaning on a 10-gallon jar of formaldehyde eggs, the street cop spoke bluntly.
“Ah’lll tell ya da truth. Nooo One knows better than me… been doing this since the first dime bag was sold in the Pawk. Okay, okay, okay, here’sss tha deal. It’s simple. The reason we go after weed instead of everything else? Got a guess? Naw, you’re an idiot and its right there in front of your big snozzola. Marijuana is big, it smells. Coke, Heroin, Meth, small, can’t see it, can’t smell it unless you’re freaking Rin-Tin-Tin.
“Who’d you rather bust? A violent ex-con with guns and a history of abuse and beatings, or a rich kid who cries when you look at him wrong? Dat’s the other ting, dose kids parent have money. Your other dope dealers have some money, but it’s a hassle. The kids are well-behaving, clean, educated. Less problems for us. And they don’t shoot back. Who’d you rather chase?”
Willie Nelson Demands Audience Gets High!
Outside of Topeka Thursday night, during Mr. Nelson’s usual “when that flags unravels, we play our hearts out, come hell or high-water or 45 minutes, which ever come first,” took an unprecedented break from performing for the good folks at the Abortion Kills Civic Center for an impromptu speech.
“Folks, it’s come to my attention that even a majority of this country is for Legalization, yet we’re not doin’ nothing about. So if you want to hear me and the boys play anymore, I’m gonna need y’all to light up. Y’know blaze a doobie. Take the horse out to the mountains. Whatever your code is for it, I’m gonna need you to smoke some weed. I’ll wait.”
Afterwards this is what some audience members had to say:
“It is better than beer. I’m going home and raiding the boy’s sock drawer.”
“At first I was scared, but then Willie said it was okay. I liked it.”
“I didn’t feel a thing. Excuse me, I need to go home and sell my guns.”
“I wonder if they sell Willie wigs anywhere.”
“This shit should be legal.”
Diggity-Dank Labs Debuts Pot-Infused Pot!
Diggity-Dank Labs today took dramatic steps by unveiling the newest product to hit the Weed World since trichome oils were all the rage in 2012, by introducing a new creation called “Pot-Infused Pot.”
C.E.O. and founder, Guy Grand elaborates.
“In the last years, we have seen an explosion of new technologies concerning the advancement of cannabis related products, such as oils, infused foods and drinks, and even cannabis infused creams. Now, we believe we have made the greatest step since Neil Armstrong hopped off the lunar module in ‘69. Behold, the future: Cannabis infused with cannabis!
“No longer will you have to take two different components to make one. We’ve cut out the middle-man. Taking cannabis and introducing it together with another undisclosed matter, in the privacy of the lab of course, proprietary and all that, thereby fusing a plant together, with a secret substance, compounding the effects, doubling the outcome without the messy infusion of another product like honey or ice cream.”
“Our goal is with all the confusion created by the Federal Government and the unregulated Black Markets, is that we can create a niche market before anyone realizes what’s going on. Our stock opens at 27 a share Monday.”
Discovery Channel Announces New Cannabis Show For Fall Season!
The Discovery Channel, still trying to find a successful cannabis-reality TV series, is dusting off a throwaway from last pilot’s season. Weed Bags Wars starts in the summer following the Rev. Gene Scott Show, (check your local listings to see what year this is) on your local late-night cable channel.
Weed Bag Wars follows the dramatic ups and downs as Glad Bags and Uline Industries fight baggy for baggy, paper bag for paper bag for dominance of an unregulated market to see who can profit the most while pretending they have no idea where all these sales are coming from.
An off-the-record executive speaks: “Hey, one day all this might be legal, then where will we be? Companies are made and broken during times of prohibition. This is the time for the ignorant businessman to strike. Just because thousands of dispensaries and headshops order from us, does that mean I know where we’re shipping to? That’s what makes this business exciting.
“Sorry, something called ‘Hempfest’ has ordered 400,000 units of a product we refer to as the ‘Nickler,’ for tiny buds, I mean, for smaller purchases… you should talk to P.R. if you have any other questions.”
4/20 Festivals Canceled By Pot Smokers!
By now, most Americans are familiar with the overpowering plumes of smoke towering from congregation of cannabis devotees who consider April 20th their smoking holiday. This year, parks, city hall steps and ocean beaches fell silent and smokeless as activists and the usual gang of nuts changed policy and hit the phones and streets with protests, demanding changes in this country’s drug strategy.
Instead of rolling a bomber the size of the Washington Monument, the normally partied-out were fresh and starry-eyed calling senators and congresspeople, demanding that they vote “Yes” on Medical Marijuana. Activists made calls to Texas, asking, “How can you?”
Thousands and thousands of the 43 million users who partake in cannabis, took five minutes on the 20th, to do something for the cause.
One Washington insider said, “Cripes, if they did this every day, we’d have to do something.”